I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter