I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)