[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.