Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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God has abandoned us.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.