A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them