Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument