I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You Might Also Like
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?