There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
You Might Also Like
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Danger is very dangerous
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.