[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!