The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?