Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.