Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.