Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Tier 3 meme
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.