[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m sorry…what?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.