i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I think about this a lot