If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building