“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
why I oughta
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!