Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You Might Also Like
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple