*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one