I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Tastes like chicken.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!