If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.