You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Current mood: Potato
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Spring of Deception
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.