*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Feels like the fourth month in January
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.