“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.