Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.