I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Inside you there are two wolves
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The asteroid..
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting