Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”