I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists