I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet