Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
where do you see yourself in five years?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god