*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant