If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.