Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”