I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Festive toon…
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.