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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.