mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me in tagged photos
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.