Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
You Might Also Like
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Breaking news:
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons