My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
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your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
WTF
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.