friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”