“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
mariah carrie
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.