Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you know, you know
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
my professor scared me for a second
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?