If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”