I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Is this a threat?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
True.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.