I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO