INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
barbara was highly relatable
May your day taste like creamy soup.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally