What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
did it work
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.