My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I hate my earbuds.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.