Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
You Might Also Like
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.