Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Perfect
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.