me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Awesome parenting 😂
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.